Unfortunately for Tonia, Ronald had already had his caloric intake for the night from stuffing his black hole of a mouth full of Christmas-tree shaped brownies, pumpkin roll, and green and red M&Ms. Once the high fructose corn syrup and cane sugar hit his gray matter, she found it in her best interest to duck and cover from the river of words with which she knew she would be inundated. Before she could react to the sight of him, Tonia saw Ronald make a turn straight toward her.
"Hey Tonia! Have you tried the chocolate chip cookies Rachel made? Oh my God, they are to die for! What about these roasted pecan clusters? Also delicious!"
Tonia took in the first few sentences of Ronald's blubbering, being careful to avoid the spray of lingering food particles spewing from his lips. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and reminded herself of what her therapist had told her a few weeks ago: "Imagine you are sitting in front of a water fall, inhaling the misty fragrance." What a load of crap: at this point, the only person inhaling anything was Ronald, stuffing his face full of pecan clusters.
"Yes," she lied, "I tried them, and you are absolutely right; they are quite delicious." Please go away, she thought. All I want to do is just sit on the couch, drink my glass of wine, and not have to listen to you talk about culinary topics for once in my life. I don't want to hear about how the chicken corn chowder was too salty, nor how that broccoli salad ran right through you.
"Yo, are you listening?" Ronald prodded, visibly upset that Tonia's mind was somewhere other than his words.
Attention whore, Tonia thought. She had become quite good at internalizing her thoughts and filtering, so she put on her curious face; the one complete with semi-lowered eyebrows, head cocked to the right, and fixed what she dubbed her 'thoughtful gaze' on Ronald's shit brown eyes.
"I'm quite sorry, Ronald. You were saying?"
He smirked, an upturned lip complete with pecan crumbs and all, and said, "Oh, I was just wondering if you met the new Resident Asshole?"
Oh, someone's taking your place?, she thought. Filter, Tonia, filterrrrr.
"No, I'm afraid I haven't. Who might she be this time?" Tonia was thinking of the last Resident Asshole: Ms. Michelle Burton. Tonia preferred the title Resident Slut over Resident Asshole, seeing as Ms. Burton had no problem spreading her legs as easy as butter spreads on a hot day. It wasn't that Tonia had any prejudices against her, but after walking in to the conference room only to grab a stack of papers to collate, she caught more porno material than she ever would have needed in her entire life. Unfortunately for Tonia, it still haunted her to this day that she knew whether Ms. Burton was a moaner or a screamer.
"Yo! You're doing it again! Are you listening to me?" Ronald had apparently been speaking the entire time she had been daydreaming, going through the Rolodex of memories concerning Ms. Burton, up until the point when she got fired for screwing the FedEx guy on the copier, complete with butt faxes to each department.
I swear to God if you say "yo" one more time...As she mentally shook the image of Resident Slut out of her head, she spoke through gritted teeth, "Yes, Ronald, I am listening to you."
"Well, like I said, the new Resident Asshole is going to be ten times worse than the last one. He's such a pansy. I mean, look at him, he's got no meat on his bones whatsoever." Ronald lifted his elephant trunk of an arm and gestured to a dim-lit corner. Tonia followed his chubby finger's direction across the room, where it was pointed directly at Mr. Handsome himself, the only man who had caught her eye in several months.