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Sunday, October 17, 2010

Tribute to Wordsworth.

The rustling of branches is still in mind
when shadows move along the barren ground,
leaves falling effortlessly, drifting, drifting...
A gift it would be to hold in my hands
what he walked with day after day, thinking.
Stories I would tell with the coo of owls,
speaking to depths unexplored in my soul;
how lucky he was to feel, see, breathe it.
What I would give to be in place like such,
an entity, filled with life of creatures
where the chirping of birds outweighs troubles
and thoughts of subliminal beauty flow freely...
An envious vice constricts thoughts of words,
jealous of his gift to escape the world
if but for a still moment, words pouring
like rain on tin, a flow uninterrupted.
I'd give my life to put pen to paper
and write my thoughts to share with precious few.
How to better myself? Enlighten me.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Exponential changing.

Ellen Degeneres recently posted a video that has been circulating on Facebook concerning the recent suicides of several teens who have been exploring their sexuality. Surrounding these stories is a wake of misunderstanding and intolerance stemming from parents, friends, acquaintances, etc. Ellen Degeneres stated that such acts of maliciousness towards someone who is only trying to understand themselves is an epidemic that is sweeping the nation. During this video she stated, "being a teenager and figuring out who you are is hard enough without someone attacking you."...

After viewing this video message, I sat in silence, in awe of the parallels between her amazing message and my life. I know this message focuses on teen suicides and bullying due to homosexuality, and although I am not gay, this statement struck a heart string in me.

I know what it is like to be misunderstood. I think everyone to a point does at some point in their life. Sometimes, it's people who barely know you, who judge too quickly. For me, these people are the least of my worries; if you don't want to get to know me because of one comment you heard through the grapevine of college, then so be it. I would not want someone so judgemental in my life anyways, considering I always allow every person at the least on chance. What hits hard is when it is family who does not understand you, the people who have been there for you your entire life, and yet they don't know who you are no matter how hard you try to explain your actions and thoughts. And, striking a deeper cord, is when they do not want to understand you.

For me, my life is about living. It sounds simple, but I feel like a lot of people don't do it. I know that I have made mistakes, and I have done things that I will always regret... but I fell on my face and picked myself up, brushed off the dirt, and kept on plugging away. Life is too short to walk around with a chip on your shoulder, grieving for past actions that were not necessarily plausible or honorable. Mistakes are just that: mistakes, and you can choose to regret it every day of your life and let it eat away at you, or you can acknowledge it and learn from it. I choose the latter.

My dilemma is how do I learn from mistakes if I'm never allowed to make them? My parents, from the current situation I am in, don't want me to get hurt or "ruin my future." Their response is to deliver an ultimatum: I choose between the point upon which we disagree, or my schooling, phone, and car. So, in essence, they are afraid that I have the potential to ruin my future, but instead of seeing if I do, they want to ruin it kinetically by taking away my college education. I am always going to have the potential to ruin my future. That is part of life. I could choose at this very moment to go inject heroine into my body just to try it, which could lead me to the potential of overdosing or becoming addicted. Potentiality is ever-present; Kinetic motions only occur if you allow it to happen.

And so simply put, my philosophy is this: Mistakes will only ruin you if you allow them to ruin you.

Wonder Years.

I need a break from life. Call it a very long nap, or just lying in silence in a dark room; all I know is that I need for the world to stop spinning on its axis if but for a moment. So many things are happening in my life, my tiny cortex cannot process all of it at one time. I wish there were a way to turn on the 90% of my brain that isn't utilized because somewhere among that gray matter, I feel that there is an answer, swimming among synapses being fired.
I had been so sure of myself, and now I'm back to square one. It's like Maslow's hierarchy of needs: I was so close to reaching the top level of the pyramid, self-actualization, that I could taste it. Unfortunately, I've learned recently that life can change in a blink of an eye, and now I feel as if I'm lying naked, barely clinging to the bottom rung of food, water, and safety.
I don't want to be a business major anymore. Actually, I don't think I EVER wanted to be a business major, but when you have it beaten into your head that it's the practical pathway, you somewhat start to believe it. I know what I want: to write. THIS is my passion. I've lived to write since I learned the alphabet, precisely copying letters into words, words into sentences. What child would rather write the story in elementary school over the coloring of the front cover? Guilty as charged.
I don't know how my parents are going to take this news. They feel like they've lost their 'baby girl', and I don't know if they can take another bomb detonating over their head, considering everything in my life that's happened over the past month. A part of me just wishes there was a way I could pay for my own schooling, and maybe there is a way. I just need time to research it. On the positive side of things, once you've lost everything and have nothing and are on the ground level, the only place you can go is up. You can risk it all because you have nothing to lose.
Growing up is a bitch. It really, truly is.