I need a break from life. Call it a very long nap, or just lying in silence in a dark room; all I know is that I need for the world to stop spinning on its axis if but for a moment. So many things are happening in my life, my tiny cortex cannot process all of it at one time. I wish there were a way to turn on the 90% of my brain that isn't utilized because somewhere among that gray matter, I feel that there is an answer, swimming among synapses being fired.
I had been so sure of myself, and now I'm back to square one. It's like Maslow's hierarchy of needs: I was so close to reaching the top level of the pyramid, self-actualization, that I could taste it. Unfortunately, I've learned recently that life can change in a blink of an eye, and now I feel as if I'm lying naked, barely clinging to the bottom rung of food, water, and safety.
I don't want to be a business major anymore. Actually, I don't think I EVER wanted to be a business major, but when you have it beaten into your head that it's the practical pathway, you somewhat start to believe it. I know what I want: to write. THIS is my passion. I've lived to write since I learned the alphabet, precisely copying letters into words, words into sentences. What child would rather write the story in elementary school over the coloring of the front cover? Guilty as charged.
I don't know how my parents are going to take this news. They feel like they've lost their 'baby girl', and I don't know if they can take another bomb detonating over their head, considering everything in my life that's happened over the past month. A part of me just wishes there was a way I could pay for my own schooling, and maybe there is a way. I just need time to research it. On the positive side of things, once you've lost everything and have nothing and are on the ground level, the only place you can go is up. You can risk it all because you have nothing to lose.
Growing up is a bitch. It really, truly is.