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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

skinny love.

Reflecting upon this summer, I've come to the conclusion that it was the best one I've ever had. I found things I never had before, even if I thought I did, all stemming from different areas of life, whether it be outside effects or internal characteristics that were just dusted off and taken down from the shelf on which they were housed, perhaps for fear of what people might think, or perhaps for fear of what I knew would become.
That's the first thing I learned: live this life for yourself. No one else, no matter what people may say. This summer, I took one step closer to making myself. Summer gave me time to gather my thoughts, and for a nineteen year old who thinks she's fairly mature, my thoughts are that of a five year old, scattered around, corners missing from pages, etc. I realized once I got back to school how discontent I was with my major. For God's sake, I've wanted to open a coffeeshop since I was ten, and I am in International Business with a Spanish Minor?! How does that happen?! So, really, I've just come to the conclusion that an undergraduate degree, although it is a great tool to get your foot in the door at a company, it really means diddly-squat. At nineteen, it's damn near impossible to pick a major; I love too much! Art, music, business, nature, writinggg. Call me a Romantic, but that's how I roll. Needless to say after some debate, my major is now Business Administration with a minor in Professional Writing. And, so far, I'm happy. I have no idea where it will take me, but what the hell? Sometimes you just have to fly by the seat of your pants and hope your britches don't rip.
This summer, I came a step closer to realizing who cares about me. God, what a rude awakening that can be. I'm still battling the internal conflict of knowing when to just drop someone cold-turkey, realize you don't need someone like that in your life. Burning bridges was never my forte, and probably never will be. People who don't care about anyone are the ones who need cared for the most, maybe. And most of the time, those people are selfish. I've found that the solution isn't to not love them; it's to be selfish too, but in a different way. I always want to be giving of myself (which reminds me of the fact I need to start to get back into volunteering), but you can't, absolute CANNOT give of yourself if you yourself aren't put together. As much as I hate being nineteen, this is my selfish time, which I must admit, has its perks and its pitfalls. I need to shape myself before I dive too deeply into helping someone else. The summer of 2010 slapped me across the face and made me realize you can't change anyone. That person has to be willing to change himself. I've found that this is a time in my life when I owe nothing to anyone and have opportunities banging on every door. I need to be selfish so in the future, I can say I took advantage of everything given to me.
And lastly, I found that love can jump up, grab you, and take you completely by surprise, leaving you knocked on your ass, quite breathless. It seems to me that a true love, a deep love really does come along when you are in no way looking for it. Perhaps that feeds back into the whole "you have to be yourself before you're of another" scenario. I am so blissfully immersed in love, it should make every person around me sick on the spot. I'm sure I know what you're thinking: you're nineteen, you have no idea what love is. Let me put it this way to you, then: I am the happiest I have ever been. I've always said I've wanted to marry my best friend because it's one thing to have the romantic side, but there is definitely something to be said for the pillow fights, tickle matches, and random laughs shared just to laugh, just because you can. I wake up feeling blessed every day for the sole fact that I can have tickle fights, laugh obnoxiously, and scream excitedly about blueberry pancakes and do it with someone absolutely amazing.
And so, to simply put it: life is good.

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